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Naps, text ‘screamers’ and GPS

As you know, my mind works in mysterious ways, though most people just think of it as bizarre. Here are some of the things rattling around in there lately.

• When I was a kid, I hated to take a nap. Some of the biggest arguments with my mother were over the need for me to nap. I take it all back, Mom — I now love naps. I feel the same way about certain foods. I hated broccoli when I was a kid and often had to sit at the table and stare at it on my plate when I could have been off playing. Now it’s my favorite vegetable.

Nothing is quite so bad as that moment during an argument when you realize you’ve been wrong all along. I get that a lot.

I don’t understand social media all that much but I do know that TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN YOU’RE SCREAMING. So why do some people “scream” all the time online? Do they scream all the time in their daily life as well? Maybe they are just screaming in their heads.

• Speaking of technology, a GPS should skip ahead a couple of streets. No one is confused about how to pull out of their driveway.

Come to think of it, GPS systems should be able to give you opinions. It would be helpful if that soothing voice would say things like, “Do you really want to go to South Dakota?” Or better, scream from time to time. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING DRIVING DOWN BAY STREET AT 2 AM?!

• Students often tell me I have a lot of interesting stories, most of them usually involve something totally embarrassing happening to me.

Have you ever noticed the correlation between the time at work when you are just randomly searching the Internet for pictures of dogs and cats doing really cute things and the time when your boss chooses to pop in for a visit?

• I was cleaning out stuff the other day and found about 100 cassette tapes, the same number of VHS tapes and even some old 8 tracks. I absolutely refuse to change formats again. So, DVDs, Blue Ray and CDs better stick around for a while.

• I’d weigh a lot less if there was a lock on my refrigerator that wouldn’t open just because I’m bored. There is a real correlation between boredom and hunger.

• If the phrase “And I was like,” was deleted from teenager vocabulary, many of them would have absolutely nothing to say.

• Though I don’t really subscribe to road rage, I believe in doing anything I can when there’s a merge from two lanes to one to stop that jerk who races along in the opposite lane from merging in front of me at the last minute.

• Speaking of road rage, anyone who has a problem with road rage needs a specialty tag with a pirate flag on it to make them easier to identify for the rest of us.

• What is it that Ryan Seacrest actually does?

• What is it that Kim Kardashian actually does?

• Why is it that rain will ruin an expensive leather coat but cows walk around in the rain for days and look just fine?

Speaking of cows, the number two cause of global warming behind car and truck exhaust is cow flatulence — call that cow exhaust.

• Here’s an interesting stat that says a lot about us men. The first “cup” to protect the nether regions of athletes was used in a hockey game in 1874. The first hockey helmet was introduced in 1974. Shows you where guys place their priorities.

• Speaking of priorities, I have trouble tying my shoes some days after a hard night. However, I have no trouble responding like an Olympic champion — leaping out of bed and over a footstool — when it comes to hitting the snooze button in the pitch dark.

• A starfish has no brain. I know people who have a lot in common with starfish.

• The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. I know people who talk so much they can probably lift a car with their tongue.

• Sense of smell is the most vivid and memorable of the human senses. If you don’t believe me, go to the locker rooms at the middle school.

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