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Things he doesn’t want to see in 2012

It is around 6 am on January 2, 2012 as I write this column. Why in the world am I up so early on a day that is supposed to be a holiday where all I do is sit and watch football and eat junk?

Simple.

My good luck 2012 meal didn’t agree with me.

My wife is convinced that eating collard greens and black-eyed peas on New Years Day will bring me good fortune. The only way I can explain this superstition is that from that moment on, the year can only get better.

Other good luck foods include grapes (at least 12 for each month of the year), long lo mein noodles, lentils and pomegranates.

Like everyone else, I am hoping that the new year is better than the last and that the Mayans were mistaken.

Many people were happy to see 2011 walk out the door, what with the economy tanking and wars and rumors of wars. I always try to be optimistic and hope that things will get better.

 

Here are a few things I will not miss and that I hope don’t make an appearance in 2012. Somehow, though, I don’t think I ate enough black-eyed peas to make that happen.

√ Lady Gaga.

I’m tired of her. I was tired of Madonna in the 1990s and now we have her clone 20 years later. It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when I feel nostalgic about Madonna singing Vogue in her cone bra.

√ Cell phone commercials that make people think that they will become superheroes by owning one.

From lightning striking a tree and leaving a cell phone glowing inside (which, by the way is a homage to the Robert Redford baseball movie The Natural), to a James Bond-like character battling his way through villains to get the new Droid to safety, I’m just tired of it.

Here’s a new sign of the cell phone apocalypse. My daughter’s boyfriend, Aaron Summers, and his sister got waterproof cases for their cell phones. You can take the cell phone in the pool with you. Or, as Aaron said, “Now my sister can talk to her friends while she’s in the shower.”

Arrgghh! Now even the shower isn’t safe from phone calls, Internet browsing and texting. If you look really closely at that Mayan calendar, you’ll see that one of their hieroglyphics looks surprisingly like an iPhone.

√ I wouldn’t mind not hearing another word about any Kardashian. Any of ‘em. From the marriage problems of Kim to Khloe to whoever the rest of them are can just go away. They don’t act, they don’t sing, they don’t … well … I don’t really know what they do except be rich and on the cover of magazines for doing … nothing.

√ Kindles, iPads and Nooks. Perhaps it’s the fact that I am a librarian, but I love the feel of a book in my hand. I don’t want another screen; I have too many of them as it is. I’ll be interested to see if there is a study somewhere down the line dealing with what these devices do to our eyesight.

√ Congress. Really? A 9 percent approval rating?

That’s ridiculous. If they were a television show they’d have been cancelled long ago. We the people should be able to give them a “vote of no confidence,” although I guess that’s what elections are for. The fact that they can justify not being able to reach a compromise on anything because of party politics is laughable. If it didn’t make you want to cry instead.

I blame both parties and the Tea Party. We are so polarized that everyone seems to have forgotten that the country and the people come first.

I would like to say that I wouldn’t miss any of this bunch of presidential candidates, but … we’re going to see them all through 2012.

√ Reality television shows about stuff people do every day. You can make logging, panning for gold, hunting alligators, making cupcakes, running a pawn shop or tattoo parlor, trucking, any number of other jobs seem dramatic, but why would you want to do it? At this rate we’ll get “Clean Freaks,” about window washers or “Bug Men” about guys working for a pest control company.

In short, I’m not real sorry to wave goodbye to 2011. I just hope we have something better in store for 2012.

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