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Occupy Baker County – sign up now!

We should feel left out.

Nobody around here is talking about an “Occupy Baker County” movement. They’ve sprouted up everywhere else, drawing legions of the “dispossessed” from the ranks of college kids with degrees in transgender colonialism who can’t get jobs and have left their parents’ basements long enough to allow a thorough cleaning, organized labor (mostly public employees I suspect), aging hippies from the 1960s who’ve been waiting around for something like this for a half-century, anarchists, communists, socialists and — similar to the late 1960s when yours truly was in college — hangers-on pretty much there for the sex and rock ‘n roll.


In fairness, there are others with legitimate grievances — people with underwater mortgages or foreclosed mortgages, society’s “contributors” who find themselves in the ranks of the unemployed, etc.

They’re all taking it out on “Wall Street” and “the bankers.” These are tough times, and tough times inevitably invite targets for people’s frustration. They’re mad at the “1 percent” of the population who they believe are getting all the breaks and don’t pay their “fair share.”

They don’t seem perplexed by the statistics proving that indeed the top income echelons do pay their fair share; in fact they pay more than their fair share considering nearly half of Americans pay nothing in federal taxes — not even $5 or $500.

Oh well.

So let’s get started with an “occupy” movement right here. What do we need to do?

For starters, if you’re interested in being part of it you must cease bathing (shaving and shampooing as well) today — right now.

Tents? We’ll need to tweet and Facebook (those are verbs now) the time to gather in front of Walmart out there on SR 228 and demand they give us tents of varying colors — for free.

As long as we’re on the property, we’ll be demanding also that Walmart  cease prosecuting people for shoplifting. They’re the largest retailer in the world, a top Fortune 500 company, greedy, and the Walton family that still owns part of the behemoth is much too wealthy.

What’s more important — them holding on to their fortunes or our tents? We demand also the right to stroll into the Supercenter and steal all the diapers, cigarettes, jewelry, booze and televisions to lug back to our parents’ houses where we intend to live for the next 20 years.

It’s a pity we don’t have any locally owned banks anymore. We’d be able to withhold our car, college loan and home mortgage payments and put the squeeze on rich bankers who live right here in Baker County.

Since there aren’t any, we’ll have to settle for screwing the shareholders at the local credit unions and at the branch banks like Wells Fargo (they’re huge and greedy), TD Bank (they’re Canadian but so what) and First Federal Bank of Florida (based in Lake City where many scoundrels live).

We’re going to be busy at Occupy Baker County. And we haven’t even started with the local school system where we should demand the immediate end to charging for meals at the cafeterias (for the dwindling number still paying), repressive property taxes, paid admission to sporting events and, yes, paying for yearbooks and senior pictures.

Should children have to walk to bus stops? Capitalist nonsense! We want door-to-door service to every residence in Baker County, even if our children don’t feel like going to school on a given day. Testing and grades are pointless — nothing more than clever ruses developed by the “1 percent” to pit us against each other and trash our self-esteem.

Out the door with all of it!

There’s more, much more, to what we’ll be calling the Occupy Baker County Manifesto. We’ll be posting regular updates on the computers and Smart Phones your parents bought for you or you paid for with school loans.

In the meantime, get started on that body odor and body hair. The Movement needs you!

Take our reader poll on the Occuply movement on the home page.

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